


The James Potter Disease

by Twisted (orphan_account)



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Educational fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-06 19:55:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,436
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6767785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Twisted
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The students at Hogwarts are taught about the birds, bees, flowers and trees, by professor Snape. Inspired by other fics with this theme, here and on FFnet.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The James Potter Disease

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [Incrementum](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4527801) by [Magz (sparklepocalypse)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklepocalypse/pseuds/Magz). 



“Welcome, dear students” professor Snape read without expression or intonation from a piece of parchment. “Earlier this day professor Dumbledore proposed the idea for this great lesson, after giving me a glass of very strong firewhiskey, and called it the Jolly Introduction Of Students To The Journey To Love. If you call being tricked into saying yes a choice, then I am teaching this voluntarily. If you want to be weak-willed and purposely engage in acts of limitless intemperance and nauseating perversion, it’s all your fault when you have to suffer the consequences.” Then he crumbled the piece of parchment, threw it at Harry (who ducked away in time so that the crumbled parchment hit Crabbe, and was counting to hundred), and looked down at them with sparkling eyes: “Oh, yes, there are consequences. I bet none of you thought of that. There are several nasty diseases that it can cause that no one knows about. First is the Ignomininfluenza, spread by the Ntious lice. It can cause fingers and toes to die off and eventually causes heart failure. Second are Blistering puss warts. With no cure, that is extremely expensive and precious, it can cause a permanent blindness as well as a permanent loss of ability of seeing the beauty in things, which is fitting because you will turn out more hideous than anything as well. Third is the Slowly Excruciating Pubes Virus, also called the James Potter disease because he was one of the famous sufferers from it, which will turn you into the most insufferable human being on the planet, next to giving you pain in the arse at unpredictable moments that surpasses a Cruciatus Curse. But of course there are many, many more. Currently estimated at more than thousand, with varying degrees of extreme unpleasantness”  
Draco Malfoy raised his hand. “How can you spot sufferers from such nasty diseases so you can avoid them or make fun of them, sir?” he asked.  
“That is a very good question, Draco. They are often hard to spot at first.” Snape began gleefully, “but someone with the surname Potter is always a dead giveaway, as well as an arrogant smile and an overall demeanor of know-it-all.”  
Draco smiled knowingly at Crabbe and Goyle, who stared in the distance, bored, because they did not have to worry about being at risk of getting a date.  
Harry was staring at the wall because he got thoughts of murder while looking at Snape and Hermione looked for the first time as if she hated a lesson. Harry just did not understand how Snape was able to shoehorn his father into a sex education lesson. That took a special kind of evil. He felt that he had started to tremble. My father did not have some weird disease, my father did not have some weird disease, my father did not have some weird disease, Harry repeated to himself. Apparently he had been whispering, because Hermione grabbed his wrist and whispered back: “Harry, I’ve never read anything about any of those diseases. And even if they existed, how could Snape possibly have known about your father’s private extracurricular activities?” 

Ron was red in the face. “This is all the fault of Lucius Malfoy being in the Hogwarts Board of Governors!” he said dangerously. Harry was thankful that his friends supported him and thankful that Hermione called the accusations against his father private extracurricular activities.  
“Sir.” Lavender Brown said, “I am sorry, but I don’t get it, what is it? Where is the talk about love? Isn’t it a bit strange that Dumbledore has tricked you of all teachers into teaching us about the jolly journey of love?” She giggled in a prudish way. Harry wondered the same thing.  
“Love?” Snape sneered. “Miss Brown, what kind of fictional fairytale universe do you live in? What student has caught your lovely eye lately? Mr. Thomas?”  
Lavender Brown’s cheeks turned red. “No!” she giggled.  
Snape continued lazily and uninterested: “Well, if Mr. Thomas is okay with consuming your precious innocent love, then the deal is set. Don’t complain if you get pregnant.” Dean raised his hand. Snape ignored it.  
“No questions anymore? Great, then I can go to the next part, abortion spells-"  
Neville raised his hand, but forgot in his nervousness to wait for Snape to address him, and also to call him sir. “C-c-c-could y-y-you r-r-r-repeat the p-part o-of the N-ntious lice?” he asked, looking very uncomfortable for having to ask something, especially about this topic, and cowering a bit while looking at the door.  
“Not necessary.” Snape said with a smile, “it’s better for the future of the wizarding population if you never take any risk of getting them*.”  
Neville blushed and looked as if he regretted making his presence known.  
“SIR” Dean said loudly, “What about the ones who can’t engage in acts of limitless intemperance and nauseating perversion?”  
“50 points from Gryffindor for speaking before your turn.” Snape said. “What do you mean can’t, mr. Thomas?” he added in a disturbingly faked nice voice.  
“What I mean” said Dean, “is when someone, I don’t know, has bad hygienic standards, or a less attractive facial feature, or I don’t know, an empty space instead of a heart, that makes him, you know, unattractive to almost anyone..”  
“What are you trying to tell us?” Snape asked.  
“Dean is trying to tell us that he is secretly talking about himself and that he wants to learn some techniques to please himself because no-one wants him, is that right, Dean?” Draco jeered.  
“Oh but of course, thanks, mr. Malfoy for saying what Dean did not dare to, 50 points to Slytherin. Well, if I was right and even that naive miss Lavender doesn’t want you, then it bores me to state the fact that should have been obvious, the world will not end. As mr. Malfoy suggests, you could perfectly please yourself with some of the many exciting techniques until your hopefully quick death." Harry felt as if he was about to explode, in the unpleasant way.  
“That is not nice!” he shouted. “What has Dean done wrong that he deserves a quick death?!”  
“SILENCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 170 POINTS FROM GRYFFINDOR FOR SHOUTING IN MY PRECIOUS CLASS!” Snape screamed, spit dripping from the corner of his mouth. “AND FOR RUINING THE EDUCATIVE AND HARMONIOUS ATMOSPHERE!” he added.  
Draco, doubled over from disturbing laughter, raised his hand again, but Goyle did too. “Mr. Goyle?” Snape asked, surprised.  
“What…if.. all I find is a fata morgana?”  
“Does anyone wants to answer this touching and insightful question?”  
Draco sighed. “He is in love with the niece of Salazar Slytherin, but that girl from the painting is not in love with him.”  
“700 points for Slytherin”

“Is it even allowed to give so many House Points at one time without explanation?” Hermione whispered. “I’m going to look that up after this class” 

Parvati Patil started to cry loudly and hysterically. “SEAMUS DOESN’T LOVE ME!” she shouted, slamming with her hand on the table. 

“Stop acting” Snape said coldly. Parvati looked caught.  
“ Sir, what if someone – a girl – does not see that I’m better than her?” Draco asked. “And what are those special techniques that Dean doesn’t need because he already knows them? I’m not asking this for myself of course, but for Goyle?”  
“You can ask madam Pince if she has the instruction picturebook ‘How You Make The Most Of What You Have NOt', also suited for illiterate people, such as Potter or Longbottom. If the father has a disability...."  
Before he realized it, Harry had stood up and drawn his wand, but Hermione pulled him back in his seat with force. "My father was not illiterate!" he shouted so that everyone was able to hear it. His ears were ringing and he only heard Daphne Greengrass say “Oh, that one was a disappointment, all the witches in it were ugly.” very vaguely, as if her voice did not come from inside the same classroom but from far away.  
Snape gave examples of a few abortion spells, with the warning that they could be painful but not more inconvenient than having to suffer the lifelong consequences of an unwanted child. “One day, you’d be thanking me on your bare knees. Are we done now?" Parvati raised her hand. “How do we…uhm….” She turned red, “protect ourselves while…in the heat of passion….so that I can’t…get a disease or get pregnant?”  
"Last time I checked, you deserved those things for being an hysterical liar." Snape answered. Parvati looked teary-eyed. And then the class was over. 

**Author's Note:**

> *This was inspired by a fanfiction by Magz (sparklepocalypse), where Snape makes a heartless tragic comment to Neville. But, unlike mine, it actually had a storyline, haha


End file.
